


100% Bullshit

by Flabbyknight



Series: Parahumans Stories [1]
Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 20:30:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20880233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flabbyknight/pseuds/Flabbyknight
Summary: Dinah has a foolproof plan to became the cool kid at school.





	100% Bullshit

**Author's Note:**

> I thought it would be funny if the reason that Dinah's parents didn't believe she was parahuman was not denial and instead them seeing through her bullshit.

Dinah was lonely. Nowadays, there just wasn't anyone to talk to. Her parents were always busy with work, and she didn't really get along with the other children her age. When Dinah had asked her Mom, she had just said that Dinah was precocious and that other children were just not as mature as her. 

Fortunately, Dinah had a foolproof plan to become popular at school and regain her parents' attention. Everyone in her grade was always talking about heroes and villains, and even her parents would talk about the various capes in the city, if only just to complain about them. 

So, Dinah decided, she would just have to pretend to have super powers to get their attention. Of course, the tricky part was coming up with a power, and one that nobody could disprove the existence of.

She thought about what types of powers there were to choose from. How did the song go again? Mover, Shaker, Brute and Breaker… Master, Tinker, Blaster and Thinker… Striker, Changer, Trump and Stranger… 

Dinah decided that she would be some sort of Thinker. No one could see somebody thinking, so no one could prove that she wasn't doing it. _ 'Okay, now to make being a Thinker cool,' _ Dinah thought. She deliberated on what to do for half an hour before she remembered those paper fortune tellers that were currently popular at school. That was it, she would tell people's future!

The problem was that she had to do it in a way that was never wrong, or else nobody would be impressed. Dinah thought about it for a minute before a smirk drew across her face. She would give percentages, so that if someone asked for their future and it turned out wrong later, she could always say: "Well, I said there was an 82.324% chance of it happening, you just got that 17.676% chance of something else." No one could prove that she didn't have super powers. It was the perfect plan, nothing could possibly go wrong!

...

Okay. Everything that could've possibly gone wrong, went wrong, and she was dumb for thinking otherwise. First, her parents saw through her ruse and did not believe her for a second. Her Dad had merely looked amused and asked her if she really thought they could not tell if she was lying to them. The kids her age were too _ dumb _ to get the nuance of her power. They would just say that she got the fortune wrong. She tried to explain percentages to them and how she was still technically correct, but they had just rolled their eyes at her and walked away.

And then, to top it all off, the only person that had believed her was a super villain who had kidnapped her. Dinah could only conclude that he was dumber than the other twelve year olds in her class, because he hadn't believed her when she tried to explain to him that she did not, in fact, have powers. He even gave her 'candy' in order to make her admit that she really did have powers. 

The worst part was that he was a really creepy weirdo who liked to pat her head and call her his pet. 

So here she was, just making up random numbers so that he would give her 'candy'. Dinah had to pretend to get headaches from the questions or else he would just keep asking her question after question. "What are the chances of me taking over the city in the next year?" "67%." "Will somebody try to kill me today?" "4%." "Is Tattletale making a move against me in the next month?" "10%." It just went on and on and on. Ugh.

Dinah's favorite pastime was fucking with Coil. It was her little revenge against him. She couldn't do it too often or he would catch on, but today she was in a particularly bad mood, so she decided to risk it. She spoke up, "Coil?"

"What is it, pet?"

"44.20383% chance I die in the next half-hour."

She hid her amusement as Coil began asking her question after question, trying to figure out what was going to happen to them. Watching him squirm filled her with a vicious joy. She pretended to develop a headache just to dick with him. Then he demanded to know how they were going to survive Crawler's attack. _ 'Wait. Are we actually under attack? Holy shit!' _

She had the weirdest luck ever. Of course, now there was an actual chance that she would die in the next thirty minutes, but she was more amazed that her random guesses were correct. And now Coil was asking her more questions so that they didn't all die and she had no idea what the answer was. _ 'Great, just great,' _ Dinah groaned internally. Well, she would just have to wing it and hope for the best.

...

"Mmm," Dinah said.

"What is it, pet?" Coil murmured.

"It's him."

"Who?"

She pointed at the screen, at Jack Slash. "Him."

"You're going to have to explain it to us, pet. What about him?"

"He's the one who makes everyone die."

She watched as all the villains around her began to panic and make plans to kill Jack Slash before he left the city. She just barely managed to stop herself from smirking. Her scheme was going just as planned. Now they would all be forced to confront Jack Slash and the Slaughterhouse Nine or else 'the world would end'. They were all dead men walking. Dinah hoped that this would destroy Coil and all of his plans.

...

The Nine were gone, and somehow none of Coil's minions were dead. _ Goddamnit. _


End file.
